What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Was to survive, this bastard.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Why do black people prefer thick, curvy women?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

But ive been too sick for many years..

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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

We were not on the streets..

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I have no regrets .

She wouldn,t have been !

How can I get my ex-husband to love me again?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I waited trembling.

Why do I (45, male) feel like I'm crushing on a girl (19, female)?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

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Im still living with it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I was 9 years of age.

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Comes on , in middle age.

My family never makes their pension either.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

So, i spoilt her more .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Especially a lifetime of it.

I was very sick at this time too.

I don,t even have a pension.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I said to her

This is soul school!.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

She was in good health!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But it wasn’t much.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

All the time i was locked up.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And i lived it daily.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I will be 64.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She loved him until the end.

Ive learnt so much.

But, we were locked up after school.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I couldn’t, believe it.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Put me off passion for life!!

We all went to grammer schools

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

My life is so biszare .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

He knew the spot.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I write beautiful poetry .

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

She married twice! .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Would this be the day?

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I was seconnd youngest,

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

It was going to be , some day.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I never cut or harmed myself..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

What did i know ?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

So whats the point in blame.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Why did i forgive my father ?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Who then, do I blame.?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She found it foreign!.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

One cannot live in the past .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I think the readers, may guess!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was scared of men, in general

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

When she asked me how she looked .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.